Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
