Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
