Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
