I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
