Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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