I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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