the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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