Can i not drive my cunt home
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
