Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
