remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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