I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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