I can text with my tongue
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
