Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
God, I missed his penis.
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