Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
