I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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