Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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