im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
