Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
