I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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