yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
