No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
