It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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