oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
