Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
