please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
