Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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