Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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