I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
