just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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