I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
