I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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