Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
