Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
