gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
