C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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