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If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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