I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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