I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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