Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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