Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
