wakey wakey hands off snakey
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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