i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
