her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
