I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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