what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
