only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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