i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
