On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
