I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
