why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
