Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I supernannyed him into submission
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
